Division

It's hard to picture America as the “United” States of America. It seems for our entire history we have been at war abroad or with ourselves. There always has to be the radicals of this side or that and those who consistently sit on the sidelines to remain actionless. I understand that every group has their own ideology; but, is it those differing ideologies that divides us?
I grew up in a home where I was never told or forced to believe one specific truth about anything. For the most part I was allowed to freely think and develop my own personal beliefs. This was probably one of the greatest things my parents ever did for me, because I strongly feel that I would not be the same Isaac if they had intervened and made me believe something I didn't want to. Not to many are given that privilege, and can grow up knowning a “truth.” When that “truth” is challenged, it can often result in arguments, frustration, or even violence in many situations. This is not always the case, as millions of people regardless of whether or not they chose what they believe can be peaceful or agressive towards those who think differently.
Our country thrives upon those who stand out and make changes to what is normal or already seen to be the truth. Our many different views and cultures here in America make for the one of the most diverse populations in the world. But I am sad to say our progression as a nation is being constantly hindered by those who refuse to compromise on their beliefs. I'm talking about our government.
Liberal or Conservative? Republican or Democrat? You have to choose one nowadays. At least, that's what those in the higher seats of power believe. You will scarcely find agreement between the two political parties, so you can probably guess how much actually gets done around here. I don't know any hard statistics; but it does not take a rocket scientist to see how much our country separates itself from within.
Take for example, our presidential candidates. What will our two options come down to? A democrat and a republican. Look again at who is running for each party. Ted Cruz, Trump, Sanders, etc. The good thing about all of these guys is that they are all different individuals who can relate to the people in their own ways. The bad thing is that these guys spark so much debate and argument between the citizens of this country, that there have been riots, smear campaigns, and more all to prove that one guy is right and other guy isn't.
Where is the good in that? What can possibly be the positive outcome of violence between our own people of the US? I’ll admit, an example like our Civil War is historical proof that sometimes peace can never be reached, and a battle must be waged for an end to be met. At the same time, the Civil War is historical proof that the division amongst is what caused so much bloodshed, and that we must not repeat the same mistakes.
It is true that everybody here in America has their personal right to their own belief. No one is properly allowed to change their mind. What our government and the country as a whole needs to understand is that we will no longer prosper as a nation if we continually choose to let our differing opinions divide us into two. I don't truly believe we will start killing each other in another civil war anytime soon; but we sure as heck can't be “United” as one if we keep deciding to de divided .

Excuses

Excuses are made everyday. For big and small things. You make an excuse to miss a movie with a friend because you didn't feel like getting up out of bed. Or maybe you made an excuse to get out of spending time with family because you had a season of your favorite show to watch. Now I don't think excuses are necessarily always bad or used for the wrong reasons. Perhaps you avoided your friend's request because you preferred to be alone for the night. Other possible scenarios that could come up you might make an excuse for just about any reason you can produce; but how long before you are making them up for everything, and you hardly know why?
I will admit my guilt in this. Hundreds upon hundreds of times I have made excuses for so many possible things. It had gotten to a point where I wasn't enjoying my normal life as I avoided everything. I had nobody to blame but myself, and I would still try to justify my excuses with more excuses.
It mostly started out when I was younger and I had just discovered just how much I loved video games. Making myself believe I had no time for anything else but games, I stopped myself from going outside into the world around me. For years this continued and my only aspirations in life were focused around video games. I did well in school for the sole fact that if I completed homework and stayed out of trouble, I could focus more on video games. It was a heavy addiction to say the least. My family despised it as they would have to force me out of the house to do anything at all. I regret this period of my life greatly, mainly because it damaged relations with loved ones and my self esteem levels went down since I believed the only thing I was good at was video games.
When I got older, I started to make more elaborate excuses to not hang out with friends and family. This was not always directly related to my addiction, it was the fact that I had never broken my habit of making excuses to avoid time outside of my home. I felt safe and less susceptible to embarrassment inside my room. (Embarrassment by the way is another reason I strayed away from the outside world.) There was a period of my life spanning maybe a year where I spent no time with anybody due to my fear of embarrassment. There was also a summer which was spent indoors because I couldn't handle being involved outdoors.
Regardless of whatever reason I had or what excuse I made, all I am left is with questions with just about zero answers. Why didn't I spend more time with my grandfather before he passed? How come I avoided those summer days with friends? Why did I spend 60% of my high school life voluntarily locked away? Although I don't dwell on my past as much as I used to, I hold deep remorse for all the time I have given up in my lifetime.
Even though there is nothing changeable about any of my past life, at least now I understand that letting in risk and change isn't always so deplorable. I’ve learned there has to be a balance as you can’t always distance yourself from the world around you. I have Shay to praise for that as she truly changed my life towards the better. And I will admit I still make excuses just like everybody; however, never again shall I let them control my life because I know for sure that I am control.

What's next

As my senior year approaches its finale, I have to admit that I feel empty. Since the first day of this year I have had almost no excitement towards leaving high school and starting my life. Okay maybe not entirely no joy about it, but not enough to compare with every other senior’s enthusiasm. This is not because of any unexplainable cause. I'm not sitting up at night questioning the reason behind it; at least, not anymore.
This mostly started just about last year around this time right after prom. I don't know what really helped make me have the epiphany, but I realized that my high school career was near over and I was actually going to be graduating in a year. It wasn't panic, or elation that set in, it was almost a feeling of indifference. I did not care about it. The class of 2015 was graduating and I was happy for them, I just couldn't find it in me to want to be in their position next year.
So what I decided was to altogether put it out of my mind and begin the relaxation of the comming summer. My first half was spent actually kicking back, second half spent getting a little taste of an adult life: a job. It was long overdue and it felt great to have the money I earned. This job carried on over into the beginning of school and eventually I found a new one. It was during this period of introduction of learning how to balance a life with a job and school that I figured out why I wasn't excited about graduating.
I simply wasn't ready for it. I didn't want to pay for bills, taxes, insurance, and I sure as hell did not want to give more money for more school. For me, I skipped the blindness of all the enjoyment of getting to graduation and then figuring out you're not ready for the real world, and went straight to the anxiety. The more and more I worried about it, the more I decided to procrastinate about everything; which obviously does not help.
Never once in my life had I decided what my dream college was or even a city I actually wanted to go live in after high school. These decisions and many others seemed to be already figured out by my peers and I felt embarrassed. As senior year progressed I still could not make choices. They weighed heavy on me and it took some eye opening and pressure from those close to me so that I could finally decide. I now can say I have my plans for post highschool and most things are in order. I just still cannot shake this feeling of disinterest.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe college is not what I am cut out for. Then I realize that working a normal 9 to 5 job everyday is definitely not for me either. I know that staying here in this town for the rest of my life will not make me happy. At the same time, I do not know about how anywhere else will make feel. But despite all of what I what I just wrote about and even how I feel now as I am writing this, I do know that if I never step out my door and take those chances given to me in my life I can never be happy. So no matter what I think of myself graduating and what comes next, it is only the first step of my life ahead.