Final thought

I have existed nearly 18 whole years of life upon this planet. By most other people's standards, I have had quite the uneventful life. What I have always enjoyed is staying indoors with a TV screen in front of me watching or playing something. I have maybe left the state of Arizona four times. Never been on an airplane or seen the ocean. I haven't done a lot of things, and there are many things I regret. For being so young, I feel like I have done so little with my time; yet I still want to do more. I am proud to say this today because this was not who I always was.
Just a couple of years ago, I use to let myself hold on to regret so much it would hold me back from life itself. I couldn't enjoy anything because I forced myself to believe I wasn't allowed to because of my mistakes. For example, after the passing of my grandfather I realized I had forgone massive amounts of time that could have been spent with him. I regretted not being around him more, and it made me hate myself so very much because of my sadness over his passing. This frustration and anger also ruined my perspective on life itself, as I started to believe that my bad karma for not spending enough time with my grandfather would follow me until my own death.
I can thankfully say that is not the kind of person I am now. Although it has taken large amounts of time, I have truly changed myself for the better with the help of my girlfriend and family. But what I still cannot say for myself, is that I don’t feel regret over wasted time.
This feeling constantly looms over me as it were some incurable disease. Because it seems to me that I have missed out on a lot of things since that my habits have always consisted of life indoors. I couldn't tell what exactly I have missed; but I can tell you how much I wish I had decided to walk out of my front door more often. I am not saying I haven't had my fair share of great memories with friends; but I will never know what else I could have experienced had I decided to be more adventurous.
After all of the lessons and advice I have heard, it is apparent to me that the only way to make a difference in how I feel about my life and what I have or haven't done is to look only forward. I can't stay stuck on constant anxiety over my troubles or my stress. Hanging back and doubting myself isn't an option. Sure I haven't had the most extravagant life so far; but the only way to get to that point in which I feel I have had a more memorable experience in life, is to actually start doing instead of waiting. My message to everyone is that no matter what you want for yourself, you cannot hold regret or frustration over your past. The only way to progress is to live and learn from everything that happens to you. To reach the point where you're actually happy starts with you understanding that you command your life and what you do with it.

Camping Thoughts

I had not been camping for years, yet I agreed. I agreed to go with my friends on a one day camping trip to make some good memories. Although I was a little reluctant because I am honestly not the biggest fan of the great outdoors, my friends sort of made my decision for me. This past Saturday, just the four of us went for a whole day and night out in the woods. I knew it would be a cool, quick trip.
We all woke up early to make sure we could get there asap, and see a few animals on the way there. Our campground was up by Heber so I knew some of the area. But our leader of the trip knew a trail out to a site that was supposed to be great for seclusion, sights, and cell service (the best part.) Anyways, as we got on the trail with our vehicles, the best thing we got to see was a couple of squirrels. Which I will admit was kind of disappointing. The bright side of the morning was that everything went smooth while getting to our camp site.
As soon as we arrived, I realized I was completely out of my element. I tried to remember all my previous camping trips, all the knowledge I had gained before, and did my best to apply it to the moment. Watch for rocks, big branches, don't leave trash, and don't leave the coals in the fire unattended. Basic knowledge but I was a novice anyways. But thankfully my friends planned way ahead and brought all the essentials. To quickly sum it up, it was a fun trip and we had some good laughs but while there I started to think of something I hadn’t thought of in a long time.
We live in the most absolutely safest time period of mankind's existence. Sure there are still murders and atomic weapons out there; but there are still so many advancements in medicine and technology that humans are the dominant species. Aside from the ocean, mankind owns the world and the resources it offers.
Humans have grown so far advanced, that we have potential to literally destroy ourselves and the planet along with it. Yet there was a time when that was unthinkable. Me and my friends thought of the idea of man first discovering fire and how amazing it must have been for them, because at that time everything was practically out to get us. Bad weather could mean sickness, and a small cold could have killed you. The animals were bigger and more ferocious. Every day was a fight for survival. I'm allowed to enjoy a camping trip because sleeping outdoors, starting a fire, and roasting marshmallows is all part of the fun. Those who came long before us couldn't do the same.
I find these thoughts so fascinating  because I can't imagine life before modern times. It's hard to envision no skyscrapers in New York, no Disney in California, and no Holbrook in Arizona. So much time has passed in human history and my span of life here on earth is insignificant in comparison.

Division

It's hard to picture America as the “United” States of America. It seems for our entire history we have been at war abroad or with ourselves. There always has to be the radicals of this side or that and those who consistently sit on the sidelines to remain actionless. I understand that every group has their own ideology; but, is it those differing ideologies that divides us?
I grew up in a home where I was never told or forced to believe one specific truth about anything. For the most part I was allowed to freely think and develop my own personal beliefs. This was probably one of the greatest things my parents ever did for me, because I strongly feel that I would not be the same Isaac if they had intervened and made me believe something I didn't want to. Not to many are given that privilege, and can grow up knowning a “truth.” When that “truth” is challenged, it can often result in arguments, frustration, or even violence in many situations. This is not always the case, as millions of people regardless of whether or not they chose what they believe can be peaceful or agressive towards those who think differently.
Our country thrives upon those who stand out and make changes to what is normal or already seen to be the truth. Our many different views and cultures here in America make for the one of the most diverse populations in the world. But I am sad to say our progression as a nation is being constantly hindered by those who refuse to compromise on their beliefs. I'm talking about our government.
Liberal or Conservative? Republican or Democrat? You have to choose one nowadays. At least, that's what those in the higher seats of power believe. You will scarcely find agreement between the two political parties, so you can probably guess how much actually gets done around here. I don't know any hard statistics; but it does not take a rocket scientist to see how much our country separates itself from within.
Take for example, our presidential candidates. What will our two options come down to? A democrat and a republican. Look again at who is running for each party. Ted Cruz, Trump, Sanders, etc. The good thing about all of these guys is that they are all different individuals who can relate to the people in their own ways. The bad thing is that these guys spark so much debate and argument between the citizens of this country, that there have been riots, smear campaigns, and more all to prove that one guy is right and other guy isn't.
Where is the good in that? What can possibly be the positive outcome of violence between our own people of the US? I’ll admit, an example like our Civil War is historical proof that sometimes peace can never be reached, and a battle must be waged for an end to be met. At the same time, the Civil War is historical proof that the division amongst is what caused so much bloodshed, and that we must not repeat the same mistakes.
It is true that everybody here in America has their personal right to their own belief. No one is properly allowed to change their mind. What our government and the country as a whole needs to understand is that we will no longer prosper as a nation if we continually choose to let our differing opinions divide us into two. I don't truly believe we will start killing each other in another civil war anytime soon; but we sure as heck can't be “United” as one if we keep deciding to de divided .

Excuses

Excuses are made everyday. For big and small things. You make an excuse to miss a movie with a friend because you didn't feel like getting up out of bed. Or maybe you made an excuse to get out of spending time with family because you had a season of your favorite show to watch. Now I don't think excuses are necessarily always bad or used for the wrong reasons. Perhaps you avoided your friend's request because you preferred to be alone for the night. Other possible scenarios that could come up you might make an excuse for just about any reason you can produce; but how long before you are making them up for everything, and you hardly know why?
I will admit my guilt in this. Hundreds upon hundreds of times I have made excuses for so many possible things. It had gotten to a point where I wasn't enjoying my normal life as I avoided everything. I had nobody to blame but myself, and I would still try to justify my excuses with more excuses.
It mostly started out when I was younger and I had just discovered just how much I loved video games. Making myself believe I had no time for anything else but games, I stopped myself from going outside into the world around me. For years this continued and my only aspirations in life were focused around video games. I did well in school for the sole fact that if I completed homework and stayed out of trouble, I could focus more on video games. It was a heavy addiction to say the least. My family despised it as they would have to force me out of the house to do anything at all. I regret this period of my life greatly, mainly because it damaged relations with loved ones and my self esteem levels went down since I believed the only thing I was good at was video games.
When I got older, I started to make more elaborate excuses to not hang out with friends and family. This was not always directly related to my addiction, it was the fact that I had never broken my habit of making excuses to avoid time outside of my home. I felt safe and less susceptible to embarrassment inside my room. (Embarrassment by the way is another reason I strayed away from the outside world.) There was a period of my life spanning maybe a year where I spent no time with anybody due to my fear of embarrassment. There was also a summer which was spent indoors because I couldn't handle being involved outdoors.
Regardless of whatever reason I had or what excuse I made, all I am left is with questions with just about zero answers. Why didn't I spend more time with my grandfather before he passed? How come I avoided those summer days with friends? Why did I spend 60% of my high school life voluntarily locked away? Although I don't dwell on my past as much as I used to, I hold deep remorse for all the time I have given up in my lifetime.
Even though there is nothing changeable about any of my past life, at least now I understand that letting in risk and change isn't always so deplorable. I’ve learned there has to be a balance as you can’t always distance yourself from the world around you. I have Shay to praise for that as she truly changed my life towards the better. And I will admit I still make excuses just like everybody; however, never again shall I let them control my life because I know for sure that I am control.

What's next

As my senior year approaches its finale, I have to admit that I feel empty. Since the first day of this year I have had almost no excitement towards leaving high school and starting my life. Okay maybe not entirely no joy about it, but not enough to compare with every other senior’s enthusiasm. This is not because of any unexplainable cause. I'm not sitting up at night questioning the reason behind it; at least, not anymore.
This mostly started just about last year around this time right after prom. I don't know what really helped make me have the epiphany, but I realized that my high school career was near over and I was actually going to be graduating in a year. It wasn't panic, or elation that set in, it was almost a feeling of indifference. I did not care about it. The class of 2015 was graduating and I was happy for them, I just couldn't find it in me to want to be in their position next year.
So what I decided was to altogether put it out of my mind and begin the relaxation of the comming summer. My first half was spent actually kicking back, second half spent getting a little taste of an adult life: a job. It was long overdue and it felt great to have the money I earned. This job carried on over into the beginning of school and eventually I found a new one. It was during this period of introduction of learning how to balance a life with a job and school that I figured out why I wasn't excited about graduating.
I simply wasn't ready for it. I didn't want to pay for bills, taxes, insurance, and I sure as hell did not want to give more money for more school. For me, I skipped the blindness of all the enjoyment of getting to graduation and then figuring out you're not ready for the real world, and went straight to the anxiety. The more and more I worried about it, the more I decided to procrastinate about everything; which obviously does not help.
Never once in my life had I decided what my dream college was or even a city I actually wanted to go live in after high school. These decisions and many others seemed to be already figured out by my peers and I felt embarrassed. As senior year progressed I still could not make choices. They weighed heavy on me and it took some eye opening and pressure from those close to me so that I could finally decide. I now can say I have my plans for post highschool and most things are in order. I just still cannot shake this feeling of disinterest.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe college is not what I am cut out for. Then I realize that working a normal 9 to 5 job everyday is definitely not for me either. I know that staying here in this town for the rest of my life will not make me happy. At the same time, I do not know about how anywhere else will make feel. But despite all of what I what I just wrote about and even how I feel now as I am writing this, I do know that if I never step out my door and take those chances given to me in my life I can never be happy. So no matter what I think of myself graduating and what comes next, it is only the first step of my life ahead.

Disconnection

I remember not knowing what the internet was as a kid. In school when a teacher would pull up a web page or talk about emails I simply did not have a clue what it was. It was an unknown in my life and I never really put any thought into it. Of course now I am informed but even when I first figured it all out I still never wondered how exactly the internet functioned. Now I mostly focus on just how much I actually spend my time on the interwebs.
WiFi and cellphone data are what sustain my connection to the web world but recently I have been cut off from most of it. My family's WiFi has been shut off so I have been doing my best to survive. For a full week now there has been no online video game interaction between me and my friends, no Netflix, no nothing. I will admit that it isn't the most awful thing because I still have social media; but, my extra down time has forced me to do some thinking.
After some deep thought, I have come to the conclusion that I rely TOO much on the internet for my means of entertainment. Although, well, I actually already knew that. The point being is that without some of link to the internet in my daily life, I find that I almost have no interest in anything else.
Now I am not saying that I don't enjoy time outside with friends or family; but even when I am with these people I still check my phone regularly to view posts on Facebook and such. I can't even remember the last time I went a full day without it being associated in some small way with the internet. Just about every single morning I wake up and do a quick check on social media before getting up. Often times I will lay down even longer to stay on my phone. This isn't the biggest anomaly either because I know most of my friends or people around my age group are the exact same way. It is honestly normal for me to do that and for many other people.
You know actually most anybody in our day and age who owns a smartphone has behavior just like teenagers. Adults are hooked onto social media too. Is it a problem? Perhaps we are losing value in personal face-to-face action. Maybe it is the fact that the technology we have in modern society is taking such precedence that you can't ignore it. I guess you can't blame people for using the tools that are available for them.
Personally, I believe an appliance like WiFi will never be gone out of my life. For the plain fact that I love using it, and so do other people. It bums me out that I don't have a connection to any at the moment, but maybe it was right for me to really wonder why I felt so withdrawn and “disconnected” without it.

All the small things

I don't travel ever. The farthest I've gone out in years has only been the Phoenix area and that isn't very often. In fact my last big trip before this spring break was to California in the 7th grade. Only reason I was able to go was because my Grandfather died and we had some money he left behind. But the 7th grade was a very long time ago and I was an extremely different kid back then.
To clarify, I was still young. I didn't appreciate many things. Wasn't until my Grandfather passed that life kind of got a little more real for me. But this isn't the point. Nowadays, I do a lot more thinking and reflection and I surprise myself by how much I appreciate the smaller things.
For example this past week on spring break, I spent the first half trapped inside my house. I felt like I was missing out on so much even though I knew there wasn't anything out there I was trying to find. So I did a lot of thinking and I found that there is an easier way for me to approach my boredom and imminent loss of sanity. I can sit there and wallow in my laziness or flip that and see it as if I'm accomplishing something. I watch ten episodes of a TV show, and I feel like I didn't completely waste all that time. A movie I have never seen before shows up on Netflix, and I watch it, then there is another film added to my repertoire of movie knowledge.
Although this blog isn't really about me not traveling, I did go somewhere just recently that helped me further appreciate the smaller things: The Grand Canyon.
The Canyon is in fact Grand, and truly did not seem to be real when I first gazed upon it. I wondered to myself what the first person to lay eyes upon it thought to themselves, because I was mesmerized. I probably could have stood there for hours just staring and pondering the many many years it took to create such a wonder on this planet, and how little time I have had here myself.
Because well, the way I see it, I have only been around for seventeen years of existence. That is absolutely microscopic compared to the entirety of Earth and the universe. I have sometimes struggled greatly with grasping the fact that I won't be around forever and that I feel I have wasted the time given to me. Even though I believe everything that has happened to me has occurred for some reason, I still feel gloomy about the subject.
I have never been certain about a lot of things, but over time I have come to realize that I cannot dwell on the past. What I really mean by this is that despite me never having the opportunities to travel, or never getting out on spring break, or so many other things I feel that I have missed, I can still hope for the future to bring to change to all of that. Instead of feeling bad about it, I need to be grateful of what I have done and what I do got. I appreciate the smaller things because compared to Earth, I am one of those smaller things and I don't got all the time in the world. (No pun intended)