As my senior year approaches its finale, I have to admit that I feel empty. Since the first day of this year I have had almost no excitement towards leaving high school and starting my life. Okay maybe not entirely no joy about it, but not enough to compare with every other senior’s enthusiasm. This is not because of any unexplainable cause. I'm not sitting up at night questioning the reason behind it; at least, not anymore.
This mostly started just about last year around this time right after prom. I don't know what really helped make me have the epiphany, but I realized that my high school career was near over and I was actually going to be graduating in a year. It wasn't panic, or elation that set in, it was almost a feeling of indifference. I did not care about it. The class of 2015 was graduating and I was happy for them, I just couldn't find it in me to want to be in their position next year.
So what I decided was to altogether put it out of my mind and begin the relaxation of the comming summer. My first half was spent actually kicking back, second half spent getting a little taste of an adult life: a job. It was long overdue and it felt great to have the money I earned. This job carried on over into the beginning of school and eventually I found a new one. It was during this period of introduction of learning how to balance a life with a job and school that I figured out why I wasn't excited about graduating.
I simply wasn't ready for it. I didn't want to pay for bills, taxes, insurance, and I sure as hell did not want to give more money for more school. For me, I skipped the blindness of all the enjoyment of getting to graduation and then figuring out you're not ready for the real world, and went straight to the anxiety. The more and more I worried about it, the more I decided to procrastinate about everything; which obviously does not help.
Never once in my life had I decided what my dream college was or even a city I actually wanted to go live in after high school. These decisions and many others seemed to be already figured out by my peers and I felt embarrassed. As senior year progressed I still could not make choices. They weighed heavy on me and it took some eye opening and pressure from those close to me so that I could finally decide. I now can say I have my plans for post highschool and most things are in order. I just still cannot shake this feeling of disinterest.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe college is not what I am cut out for. Then I realize that working a normal 9 to 5 job everyday is definitely not for me either. I know that staying here in this town for the rest of my life will not make me happy. At the same time, I do not know about how anywhere else will make feel. But despite all of what I what I just wrote about and even how I feel now as I am writing this, I do know that if I never step out my door and take those chances given to me in my life I can never be happy. So no matter what I think of myself graduating and what comes next, it is only the first step of my life ahead.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
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I am the first hand witness to all this, and I know the stress you have been feeling. Like I was talking about in the car earlier today, maybe college isn't for me. Maybe I am better off getting a decent 2 year certification and just calling it good. I don't want to pay bills and I don't want to be in debt, but I do know what I want if I fast forward 6 years from now. It's the degree to my dream job. I have believed in you since day one, and I have also helped guide you through life choices. You may not feel so great about starting your life and becoming an adult, but I am excited for you because I know you are going to accomplish wonderful things. Remember how I was talking to you about sending positive vibes to the universe, or where ever you hold you faith, will vibrate it's way back to you and attract things in your life you want to have and accomplish? Whether that's happiness, experience, or a great career, I know you can do it. You're the smartest man I know Isaac and I can't wait to see all the amazing things you will accomplish.
ReplyDeleteThis blog is my spirit animal. Nothing has described the way I feel about graduating more than this blog. I think growing up is really hard. People always told me what would happen, but no one ever told me how I would feel. I have found this year to be an emotional roller coaster. I had no idea where I wanted to go and still have no idea what I want to do. I don’t know how I feel about any of this growing up thing. I feel ready, but when do you know you’re ready? Thank you for sharing this! You just gave me a lot to think about. This was great! And I LOVE your writing! Good luck with your adventures! I know everything will work out!
ReplyDeleteWell I can’t exactly empathize with your disinterest, I definitely understand the anxiety. I think most seniors do, the motivated ones, at least. College is intimidating. You have to adult and go to school at the same time. Depending on how you look at it, it seems like a drag. But despite all of this, I can tell you that I’m really excited for it. I, like you, have always known that I can’t stay in Holbrook. Nothing against the town. It’s great. I just know that I won’t be able to fulfill my dreams from this small place.
ReplyDeleteYou may not be excited for college, but I have a feeling you’re going to enjoy it. I hope you do at least. You’re a really smart kid and once you find the fire, you’ll do great things.